Dear Sanders and Trump: You Just Won the New Hampshire Primary – What Does That Even Mean?

“Sanders doing well in New Hampshire
is like the Dallas Cowboys doing well in Dallas

Debate is Great

Donald Trump and Bernie Sanders, you've just won the New Hampshire primary! — but what does that all mean? Besides the fact that they won something, it actually means a lot. Does it mean they're a shoe-in to get the nomination? No, here's what it means. New Hampshire has the first primary of the election season, some people may be thinking, what did they do in Iowa last week?

That was a caucus, and even though they are essentially the same thing, caucuses run a little differently. Primaries are more in line with how voting is done in the general election. So what's at stake in these primaries and caucuses? Delegates. Delegates are what's needed to secure a party’s nomination.

Think of delegates as points in a game. Just like hockey, every time you win a primary or caucus you win a certain amount of points. The points are based on the percentage of the vote you received. Democrats need 2,382 and Republicans need 1,237 to secure a nomination.

When deciphering what a primary win means you must look at where these contests are taking place. Iowa is a good consensus of what the average American is feeling due to the fact that the state has just as many liberals as it does conservatives. Iowa is a state that doesn't tend to sway one way or the other, it's a cross section of the country. New Hampshire on the other hand is a very liberal state.

In fact New Hampshire has second largest white liberal population in America. What's the first? Vermont. Yes, New Hampshire is Bernie Sanders's backyard, so he was playing for the home crowd, it was expected throughout the contest that senator Sanders would do well and extremely well he did, winning just over 60% of the vote. This is a huge win for Bernie, especially considering where he was three months ago. Sanders was seen as a joke candidate, but this victory proves that he's not a joke and he can actually win.

Now what does that mean? It doesn't mean that Bernie is on easy street, he will have a very tough time with Hillary Clinton as the primaries roll out because of geography. Sanders doing well in New Hampshire is like the Dallas Cowboys doing well in Dallas, it's basically home field advantage. The next contest will be the South Carolina primary where Sanders, though surging, has been polling around 20 points behind Secretary Clinton. Sanders's Jewish Brooklyn-Vermont schtick tends to not play well with Southern folk.

South Carolina voters would take Hillary Clinton’s calm confidence over Sanders abrasive style — but with the win in New Hampshire Bernie proved he’s not a schmuck of a candidate and he's here to stay.

On the Republican side Donald Trump finally did something he's been talking about doing all along — winning. Mr Trump won the competition in New Hampshire, but like Sanders that wasn't unexpected. Remember, New Hampshire is second in the country in white liberal voters. So who do you think they would vote for? A white liberal. Trump can pander to evangelicals all he wants, but within the Republican Party his New York values make him a liberal. Now as the road gets tougher for Sanders in South Carolina, it's actually the opposite for Trump.

Southern Democrats are very different from Southern Republicans, at this point Southern Republicans are ready to stage a revolution. Southern GOP supporters in the last two Presidential elections have seen Barack Obama go into enemy territory and pluck states like North Carolina and Virginia off the electoral map. Southern voters were not happy with faux conservatives like John McCain and Mitt Romney. Southern Republicans believe that the GOP cannot produce a candidate strong enough to compete with charismatic democratic politicians.

The Republicans of South Carolina are ready to rebel and rebel hard — they see Donald Trump as the answer to what they've been looking for: A Strong candidate who can actually win, and the polls prove it. After South Carolina the next contest is the Nevada caucuses. Nevada is an interesting state that tends to be liberal in the cities and conservative in the suburbs, somewhat like Pennsylvania. Conservatives do well in the suburban farm towns and liberals do well in the cities. If that's the case in Nevada then it will be a very good evening for Donald Trump and Bernie Sanders.

Orignially posted on

Local Man Fears His Cryptic Cries for Help Are Too Subtle

“It could be my approach…
maybe sentence structure?
I don’t know—I’m drawing a blank here.”

A Man Crying

Effort PA— A local man, John Sanders is going through a rough patch. Life is not going quite as the 26-year-old Pennsylvania man imagined and unfortunately it seems to be getting worse. To add insult to injury—Sanders fears that his cryptic public cries for help are going unnoticed on social media. “It’s like they’re too subtle.” Say Sanders. “I’m trying to convey a sense of despair here but I’m not getting the response I was hoping for” The 26-year-old sporting goods store clerk is really racking his brain in an attempt to figure out where it all went wrong.

“It could be my approach… maybe sentence structure? I don’t know—I’m drawing a blank here.” Those close to Sanders remark on how hard he works on crafting messages that are clearly cries for help. “It’s like they’re just going over people’s head’s” said Mark Tuck, who is Sanders best friend from high school. “He really works hard at creating those messages—in fact he goes through several drafts on each — he’s that dedicated. He’s like the Hemingway of sad post” Despite the frustration Mr. Sanders says that he will continue to push through this dry spell. “I know one day soon someone will read one of my post and inbox me ‘Hey buddy you OK?’ Only then will the attention that eludes me will finally be mine… like John Elway when he finally won the Super Bowl after losing all those times.” According to Sanders he will now implement a series of emoji’s to his cryptic post in an effort to add a more visually pleasing effect to his cries for help.

Orignially posted on Kiwibomb.

Stan Lee Admits He Wasted His Life

Stan Lee made an astonishing admission
shortly after his 93rd birthday.
“I wasted my entire life” said the comic guru.

Stan Lee Is Not Amused.

New York— Legendary comic book writer and founder of Marvel entertainment Stan Lee made an astonishing admission shortly after his 93rd birthday. “I wasted my entire life” said the comic guru. Lee who created some of the most iconic superheroes of our time—Iron Man, Spider-man, The Hulk and the X-men among others says that his whole life is one big regret. “If I had the chance to do it all over again boy would I do things differently. I would have never become sidetracked by silly things like superheroes. I would have followed my true passion—Insurance Underwriting.”

Lee would go on about Insurance Underwriting in great detail. “Yes the thrill of being the decider of who gets insurance and who doesn’t, that’s usually just reserved for Congress, but instead of following my dream I allowed practicality to cloud my judgment—I listened to friends and family who convinced me that creating captivating stories about heroes that would inspire millions to find ways to help their fellow human beings would be the safer choice…I’m so ashamed.” Lee says that he plans to make the most out of whatever time he has left on this earth. According to sources Lee is working on a new superhero called “The Mighty Underwriter” reactions are mixed.

Orignially posted on Kiwibomb.

Hydrogen Bomb Actually Fire Emitted From Kim Jong-Uns Mixtape

Kim has an versatile rapping style
according to his CIA profile.

MC Kim Jong Un

Pyongyang North Korea— The entire world was on high alert when the news broke of North Korea had successfully tested the country’s first Hydrogen Bomb. Only later would officials find out what had actually happened. What was thought to be a Hydrogen bomb explosion was just the fire being emitted from Kim Jong Un’s mixtape. After years of getting a bad rap the North Korean Supreme Leader decided to get into rap—Un has been seen at countless illegal North Korea underground Hip-Hop parties unleashing his ferocious lyrics.

Kim Jong-Un’s is said to be inspired by the 2002 American battle rap movie ‘8 Mile.’ Knowledge of American culture is a bit skewed in North Korea—according to sources Un believes the movie stars legendary white rapper Vanilla Ice instead of Eminem. Kim has an versatile rapping style according to his CIA profile. He seamlessly goes from prepared rhymes to a freestyle flow which has been described as “Straight Fire” in fact Un’s raps are so hot his debut mixtape is titled ‘Backdraft.’ This creation of this mixtape is what caused the supposed Hydrogen explosion and the Magnitude 5.3 earthquake that followed. The U.N. is concerned of what would happen if Un actually released a full album—the Secretary General says the consequences of that could be catastrophic. As a precaution the U.N. is urging world leaders not to engage Un in any diplomatic talks or rap battles. The risk is just too great.

Orignially posted on Kiwibomb.


‘Abbey just gets me so riled up sometimes, and I don’t even watch the show, imagine if I did? I’m just that good. So there’s my expert review, and remember—when you assume you make an “Ass” out of “U” and “Me”—and by me I mean you.


“The end of season pizza party is a Eagles tradition—being from Philadelphia we get sick of cheese-steaks pretty quickly, so by seasons end we’re ready for some pizza”